If this is still about you, you haven’t learned your lesson yet
Today has been a difficult day. It started with some of the same things that are always hard, staying focused while learning for the girls, complaining that there were things that had to be done. Then on top of that our plans for the day got pushed back by 3 hours and that was devastating to the girls! The fact that this push back also gave precedence to a person who is currently treating me with disdain made it even harder for me to take. Then there is the fact that all of this day is on top of the monumental concerns I have about school in the fall for myself and the girls. And, fear and wondering what the point of this blogging thing is when views took a big dip this month. And, my husband hearing and dealing with the fact that he was told that the job offer he was getting in March when Arkansas shut down for the pandemic will now likely be withheld until there is a vaccine. And, the loss of an uncle, a dear friend and the pending loss of the father of a high school friend.
As you might imagine, I did not take the set back of today’s plans and my daughters’ devastation well. There was definitely my own bitterness and temper at play. That led to my oldest being sent to her room until her daddy got home. Being in her room is something my daughter hates. After I worked on cleaning the house for a while, I would go in to talk to her as she requested. At first, she just kept asking to please have another chance and be let out of her room. I told her that this situation wasn’t about her. Then she changed to apologizing for all the things other people had done to me. I thanked her for her apology and reminded her that it was’t their actions that had landed her in her room, it was her own. And I told her that as long as this situation remained about her that she was not understanding the lesson. My point was that until she was willing to take responsibility for her own actions and put others’ needs above her own desires, she was not getting the point of this lesson and I could not remove her discipline.
Then it hit me. This is likely what God has been saying to me. Our family is in this prolonged time of waiting and having no idea what God’s plan is. A time where everything feels off and we keep walking forward in faith, but can only see darkness. And we want it to end. We want light and answers. BUT, at least for myself, I have to admit, I just want my answers. I want my way. I am still making this about me. I wish I could also say that this revelation led to a time of repentance and prayer and a feeling of warmth, light and renewal. But to be honest, it hasn’t. I’m sure eventually it will because God loves me and because of that love He cannot remove my discipline until I learn my lesson. And although I know what is right and I see His lesson here, my pain is so big and so raw that I cannot get this whole lesson right now. Because I still want to change my actions and posture and obey SO THAT He’ll give me what I want. Just like my daughter changed enough to apologize for her behavior, but still just to get out of her room. I CAN go that far with God. I’ll put you first and others second and then you let me out of this.
BUT, that’s not enough. That isn’t the higher calling He is calling me to. He’s calling me to take responsibility for my actions and put others’ needs above my own because that is what is right. He is calling me to wait on Him so I can walk and not grow weary. But, I’m still stuck because the truth that we don’t think about very often in those verses about the strength of youths and eagles is that God strengthens them so that they can go on, not because He’s going to make their way easier or grant them the desires of their heart. Don’t miss my point here. God does grant us the desires of our hearts when we are focused on Him because then we allow Him to teach AND prune us to desire what He has for us. And, what He has and plans IS best. But, it is rarely easy. Right now God is calling me to wait on Him not for a change in circumstances, but for strength to live in the ones I have. He is calling me to accept that His grace is sufficient for me, not to a release from my thorns. AND, I am finding this call hard. Not because what God asks is hard, who does’t want to fly with eagles? BUT, because I want my own way. I still don’t truly trust that His ways are higher (better) than mine. And so, I want my way. And, as long as I make this about me, He can’t take away my discipline. So, here I am.
I know this post doesn’t follow the rules for a good post. I’ve listened to webinars and read about blogging. I’m supposed to offer something actionable like 5 ways to freedom in Jesus. But today, I don’t have a neat tied up package. My daughter and I made it through her lesson and she’s playing with her sister and puppy. But, I’m admittedly still stuck in my stubborn, childish, fearful fit in my soul. My pain is real and raw and big and I can’t find my way to full repentance. I’m taking steps in that direction and feel God with me each step of the way. But, it hurts and I don’t know if I have the strength to get there. But, I will keep rehearsing His truths to guide my steps anyway. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. God has a plan and a hope and a future for me. All things work together for good for those who love Him. One step at a time will eventually lead me to full obedience and the ability truly and fully follow Jesus!
What lessons is God working with you on today? Please share so we can pray each other through this.
